It was the year of nineteen and four
When Corny County gathered to score
Between Liberal and a Tory vote
In what soon became a political joke
.
It started as a humble affair
The hopefuls took stand to declare
To help the poor, be not so poor
Both raising hands to accept applause:
‘But they can never be rich’, the Tory quipped,
‘However, we can never be sure’, the Liberal called.
The crowd acknowledged each in different parts
‘Twas then the fun did really start
As Liberal looked with hint of envy
At his counterpart, unfairly wealthy
.
‘Don’t vote for him… he doesn’t wash his feet!’
.
A silence fell upon the faces,
looking up at whence it came from
.
‘Well, he doesn’t’ continued the voice
‘And if he takes off his shoes, you’d better hurry up and move,
Else you’ll be looking awful pink, when you’re caught in his noxious stink!’
.
The sniggers sniggered, and laughter spluttered
As the Tory raged and began to utter
‘It’s better than being a hot balloon
Under bedsheets at night, piping out a tune!’
.
Back and forth the insults came
Like rally in a tennis game
.
‘Well the fungus found between his toes,
Is what’s thought offed the dinosaurs!’
.
‘Beware of him at dinner time
He never goes to wash his hands
Along with all the tasty treats
He tops it off with finger grime!’
.
‘See him, it is well known
When no-one looks he picks his nose,
And if that isn’t quite enough
He eats the bogies that he’s poked!’
.
‘You should all go check your facts,
They make fat candles with his ear wax!’
.
‘Without hand or hanky, when this fellow sneezes
Snot flies out, wherever it pleases!’
.
‘And when he takes his wife to bed
He wears his socks and nothing else!’
.
‘Enough!’ called the judge, not sure if this was allowed
A blazing, public, private row.
He looked across to check the clock
And said ‘It’s time to put this to the vote’
The crowd still stood – all open mouthed
Having listened to all that had come out
Judge said ‘gentlemen, last words please,
On why the folks should vote for thee’
.
‘You simply cannot vote for him,
You can’t be sure just where he’s been!’
.
‘This position you cannot entrust,
To a man, who licks the mould off crusts!’
.
And so the debate there did end
And politics shown as a dirty game
.
Eagerly dispersed the crowd
Off to make their voices count.
And when all was said and done
Nobody could contest result
Not one ballot marked for either side
Because the town could not decide
After candidates brought into public view
Things we all pretend to never do;
So, it ended in a draw
As nobody wanted either/or
And why the County Corny vote
Became a ghastly political joke!
.
Just a bit of fun after I saw how Belloc’s opponent in Salford 1906 had a slogan ‘Don’t Vote for a Frenchman and a Catholic!’ I then just imagined a ridiculous personal degradation scenario, something slightly similar to the idea of Newman and Baddiel History Today.
©Please do not copy and edit, or reproduce without permission from the author (Abelia May) and full acknowledgement of the author (Abelia May) and website address
