The ghastly Edwardian Corny County election affair (definitely a fictional Poem)

It was the year of nineteen and four

When Corny County gathered to score

Between Liberal and a Tory vote

In what soon became a political joke

.

It started as a humble affair

The hopefuls took stand to declare

To help the poor, be not so poor

Both raising hands to accept applause:

‘But they can never be rich’, the Tory quipped,

‘However, we can never be sure’, the Liberal called.

The crowd acknowledged each in different parts

‘Twas then the fun did really start

As Liberal looked with hint of envy

At his counterpart, unfairly wealthy

.

‘Don’t vote for him… he doesn’t wash his feet!’

.

A silence fell upon the faces,

looking up at whence it came from

.

‘Well, he doesn’t’ continued the voice

‘And if he takes off his shoes, you’d better hurry up and move,

Else you’ll be looking awful pink, when you’re caught in his noxious stink!’

.

The sniggers sniggered, and laughter spluttered

As the Tory raged and began to utter

‘It’s better than being a hot balloon

Under bedsheets at night, piping out a tune!’

.

Back and forth the insults came

Like rally in a tennis game

.

‘Well the fungus found between his toes,

Is what’s thought offed the dinosaurs!’

.

‘Beware of him at dinner time

He never goes to wash his hands

Along with all the tasty treats

He tops it off with finger grime!’

.

‘See him, it is well known

When no-one looks he picks his nose,

And if that isn’t quite enough

He eats the bogies that he’s poked!’

.

‘You should all go check your facts,

They make fat candles with his ear wax!’

.

‘Without hand or hanky, when this fellow sneezes

Snot flies out, wherever it pleases!’

.

‘And when he takes his wife to bed

He wears his socks and nothing else!’

.

‘Enough!’ called the judge, not sure if this was allowed

A blazing, public, private row.

He looked across to check the clock

And said ‘It’s time to put this to the vote’

The crowd still stood – all open mouthed

Having listened to all that had come out

Judge said ‘gentlemen, last words please,

On why the folks should vote for thee’

.

‘You simply cannot vote for him,

You can’t be sure just where he’s been!’

.

‘This position you cannot entrust,

To a man, who licks the mould off crusts!’

.

And so the debate there did end

And politics shown as a dirty game

.

Eagerly dispersed the crowd

Off to make their voices count.

And when all was said and done

Nobody could contest result

Not one ballot marked for either side

Because the town could not decide

After candidates brought into public view

Things we all pretend to never do;

So, it ended in a draw

As nobody wanted either/or

And why the County Corny vote

Became a ghastly political joke!

.

Just a bit of fun after I saw how Belloc’s opponent in Salford 1906 had a slogan ‘Don’t Vote for a Frenchman and a Catholic!’ I then just imagined a ridiculous personal degradation scenario, something slightly similar to the idea of Newman and Baddiel History Today.

©Please do not copy and edit, or reproduce without permission from the author (Abelia May) and full acknowledgement of the author (Abelia May) and website address

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